crawling out of my skin
Im stuck in a shell of primitive desires, im crawling out of my skin, i need to change it before its too late, i dont want to end up like those people.....3 day fast starting tomorrow. water and green tea only.
be empty....be pure...
be empty....be pure...
Inner emotions
Be the girl he deserves to have.
People want to leave when you turn dark, but true friends always know how to make you shine again, even if its just for a little while.
When you have so much to loose, the fear of loosing it can destroy everything.
When there is a storm inside me, i can only utter one word.."nothing", It's just to much and to complicated to explain.
I need to find myself again, but what if i change...and you wont love me anymore?
I want to feel beautiful on the inside again.
So many places i've been, so many people that have crossed my path, but never was i satisfied, was always looking for something new.
So many goals i have reached, so many adventures i have been trough.
Why can i never be satisfied...why cant i just be happy?.
i curse my restless soul...
Its never about being yourself, its about being how the other person expects you to be.
Hide your insecurities and everything will be fine
People want to leave when you turn dark, but true friends always know how to make you shine again, even if its just for a little while.
When you have so much to loose, the fear of loosing it can destroy everything.
When there is a storm inside me, i can only utter one word.."nothing", It's just to much and to complicated to explain.
I need to find myself again, but what if i change...and you wont love me anymore?
I want to feel beautiful on the inside again.
So many places i've been, so many people that have crossed my path, but never was i satisfied, was always looking for something new.
So many goals i have reached, so many adventures i have been trough.
Why can i never be satisfied...why cant i just be happy?.
i curse my restless soul...
Its never about being yourself, its about being how the other person expects you to be.
Hide your insecurities and everything will be fine
They say...
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire
Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great
Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great
its not fine
I cant pretend everything is fine, I cant pretend that im okey with this. and no i cant just " get over it" I cant pretend that its OK that i dont see you for half a fucking year...no its not ok. i cant do it, sorry. im not as strong as you hope i would be. Thats just not an option for me. I cant just sit back and let life screw me over AGAIN!, no...last time i accepted it, but this time im NOT. im not gonna let it screw me over like this. im fucking pissed of. WHY?!
why am i ALWAYS the one that makes the effort, why do I ALWAYS have to do everything to make this work! why do i always have to plan everything, and i always have save my entire sallary and live of next to nothing for months and months just to get a little time with you. why am i always the one making this work. im tired of it. i never get anyone to do anything for ME for once! so NO i dont want to do shit right now! if this is how its going to be, SO BE IT! im tired of this shit. im tired of always struggling for everything i want. im tired of time after time being let down and dissapointed. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE ENOUGH LIFE?!!? im so fucking pissed at you!! why are you doing this to me?! WTHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU!?
IM TIRED OF FIGHTING. IM FUCKING EXHAUSETED! but i cant roll over and take this, my brain my mind my soul wont let me, its constanlty fighting, rebelling, it wont let me just " get over it" i cant, im not that kind of person.
I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! A SIGN PLEASE?! and life....go FUCK YOUR SELF I FUCKING HATE YOU! EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU DO THIS! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! GO HANG YOURSELF!
why am i ALWAYS the one that makes the effort, why do I ALWAYS have to do everything to make this work! why do i always have to plan everything, and i always have save my entire sallary and live of next to nothing for months and months just to get a little time with you. why am i always the one making this work. im tired of it. i never get anyone to do anything for ME for once! so NO i dont want to do shit right now! if this is how its going to be, SO BE IT! im tired of this shit. im tired of always struggling for everything i want. im tired of time after time being let down and dissapointed. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE ENOUGH LIFE?!!? im so fucking pissed at you!! why are you doing this to me?! WTHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU!?
IM TIRED OF FIGHTING. IM FUCKING EXHAUSETED! but i cant roll over and take this, my brain my mind my soul wont let me, its constanlty fighting, rebelling, it wont let me just " get over it" i cant, im not that kind of person.
I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! A SIGN PLEASE?! and life....go FUCK YOUR SELF I FUCKING HATE YOU! EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU DO THIS! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! GO HANG YOURSELF!
slipping
Its all starting to slip through my fingers.....i dont know how strong i can be anymore..
i have so many fucking emotions inside me i dont even know what to do with them. It all just feels like one big mess, eating me from inside. i cant even act normal anymore....whats going on here?!
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
i have so many fucking emotions inside me i dont even know what to do with them. It all just feels like one big mess, eating me from inside. i cant even act normal anymore....whats going on here?!
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Totally worth it
Giving up 5 weekends for that one weekend was totally worth it. I would have given up more just to have that weekend again.
My life is rememberd by times like these.
It was unforgettable, every moment of it.
Thank you for being a great vaccation partner ;)
My life is rememberd by times like these.
It was unforgettable, every moment of it.
Thank you for being a great vaccation partner ;)
And now im left with this empty space in my heart again.
you would think i would be used to it
but no..
you would think i would be used to it
but no..
frustration
I hate my life on days like these...
my lack of friends really is an obsticle,
why do you always have to come up with things to do?
why does noone ever just want to hang out?
maybe im just not reaching out far enough
maybe i just dont care anymore
but i do care, otherwise i wouldnt feel so missrable.
they say good things happen to good people, im still waiting..
i feel like im deserted on a tiny island all alone...when wil they find me?
sorry for my emoness....-fuck it
my lack of friends really is an obsticle,
why do you always have to come up with things to do?
why does noone ever just want to hang out?
maybe im just not reaching out far enough
maybe i just dont care anymore
but i do care, otherwise i wouldnt feel so missrable.
they say good things happen to good people, im still waiting..
i feel like im deserted on a tiny island all alone...when wil they find me?
sorry for my emoness....-fuck it
cupcakes
Made cupcakes today with my dearest ayaan ^^
they actually came out all retarded shaped, but nothing some frosting cant cover upp ^^
i just love eating stuff with cool colors!
nom nom nom
they actually came out all retarded shaped, but nothing some frosting cant cover upp ^^
i just love eating stuff with cool colors!
nom nom nom
-apparently they were a hit! thomas gave them a 11 out of 10! haha guess i should make them more often
If only you knew
Vulnerbility is the scariest thing for me.
Being so open and fragile...knowing if you got hurt it would crush you to pieces.
So why do i do it?....My mind seems to see everything as an adventure, even the scary parts...
-especially the scary parts
The one thing i cant seem to understand...after all this time of being locked up behind these thorn bushes...what the hell made me crawl through to the otherside...standing there without anything to hide behind?
-silly little girl, you must have lost your mind
One thing is for sure...i like the view from here..i see better without those thorns blocking my sight. I feel the sun on me, it leaves a constant smile on my face, its comforting.
-Ive left it in your hands, sorry i put this burden on you
shitshitshitshit
-haha
Being so open and fragile...knowing if you got hurt it would crush you to pieces.
So why do i do it?....My mind seems to see everything as an adventure, even the scary parts...
-especially the scary parts
The one thing i cant seem to understand...after all this time of being locked up behind these thorn bushes...what the hell made me crawl through to the otherside...standing there without anything to hide behind?
-silly little girl, you must have lost your mind
One thing is for sure...i like the view from here..i see better without those thorns blocking my sight. I feel the sun on me, it leaves a constant smile on my face, its comforting.
-Ive left it in your hands, sorry i put this burden on you
shitshitshitshit
-haha
.
My Dearest Allie,
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.
-Noah
careface
WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?!
I just want to not care....is that so fucking hard?
fuck me and my fucking caring!
why am i not numb yet? this is taking to long
careface/:delete
There is only so much i can give,without getting anything back
-I've reached my limit
I just want to not care....is that so fucking hard?
fuck me and my fucking caring!
why am i not numb yet? this is taking to long
careface/:delete
There is only so much i can give,without getting anything back
-I've reached my limit
Controle
I never saw a point in worrying about how things are going to end up. I mean..its not really in your controle is it? Things just kinda....happen. You can do your part to try and get it the way you want it...but in the end, nothing is really in your controle.
Its all about timing. As one of Isaak Newtons laws of physics states, "Every acction has a equal but opposite reaction" -atleast i learnet something in school.
So fundementally, everything anyone does, and everything you do, has a reaction on everyone in the entire world. Its like we are living in this web. Where every choice we make effects something else. Think about it.
So really, what is the point of worrying about anything? its not like you can controle it. You do your part, and then you just......see what happens.
Its all about timing. As one of Isaak Newtons laws of physics states, "Every acction has a equal but opposite reaction" -atleast i learnet something in school.
So fundementally, everything anyone does, and everything you do, has a reaction on everyone in the entire world. Its like we are living in this web. Where every choice we make effects something else. Think about it.
So really, what is the point of worrying about anything? its not like you can controle it. You do your part, and then you just......see what happens.
You will get further in life with a smile on your face
Electricity
My almond shaped eyes linger at your smile while my blood flustered cheecks bear the essence of your last kiss.
Your warm breath flutters on my neck like a million butterflies, causing a chemical avalanche of serotonin in my brain showering over my body, as your soft hands gently brush my hair off my bare shoulders.
Time seems of an essence as we are surrounded with darkness.
I only see the angel like light of your face.
Your sky blue eyes, your perfectly soft lips, and your strong jaw stating your exquisite masculinity.
They all speak to me, like magnets to my fingertips, i feel the urge to lightly trace my fingers across your face.
My heart beats faster and more intense like the drums from an African tribe deep inside the jungle.
As i move my warm lips closer to yours, the electricity between our bare flustered skins is so intense it could power a whole village.
I see your eyelashes flutter repeatedly like strands of golden strings.
I feel the heat from your warm body so close to mine.
Nothing has ever felt this perfect.
Wait dont go....
The light of your face disappears, It seems like the darkness that was just surrounding us showered over my little grimpse of heaven.
I dont see you anymore, there is no warmth from your breath, no electricity from your skin.
A cold wind sweeps over my chest, causing all the tiny strands of hair on the back of my neck to rise, resulting in a ice like shiver down my spine.
I feel empty, I feel nothing, you're gone..
But wait!
In the depths of the darkness somewhere far out there i see a tiny glimpse of light
You're back..!
My heart starts to beat faster again and my lust for you grows stronger.
As i focus on the light, waiting to see your perfect smile and feel your presence once again, the light grows bigger and brighter.
I reach out and open my eyes and i see the familiar sight of my bedroom wall, I see the blue color of my pillow, I see my brown wooden desk, i see my bed.
And even though for a tenth of a second i believe you are right there with me, reality hits me like an icy wind slaps my face on a cold autumn night.
Fuck...I'm awake.
- and yes i wrote it
Your warm breath flutters on my neck like a million butterflies, causing a chemical avalanche of serotonin in my brain showering over my body, as your soft hands gently brush my hair off my bare shoulders.
Time seems of an essence as we are surrounded with darkness.
I only see the angel like light of your face.
Your sky blue eyes, your perfectly soft lips, and your strong jaw stating your exquisite masculinity.
They all speak to me, like magnets to my fingertips, i feel the urge to lightly trace my fingers across your face.
My heart beats faster and more intense like the drums from an African tribe deep inside the jungle.
As i move my warm lips closer to yours, the electricity between our bare flustered skins is so intense it could power a whole village.
I see your eyelashes flutter repeatedly like strands of golden strings.
I feel the heat from your warm body so close to mine.
Nothing has ever felt this perfect.
Wait dont go....
The light of your face disappears, It seems like the darkness that was just surrounding us showered over my little grimpse of heaven.
I dont see you anymore, there is no warmth from your breath, no electricity from your skin.
A cold wind sweeps over my chest, causing all the tiny strands of hair on the back of my neck to rise, resulting in a ice like shiver down my spine.
I feel empty, I feel nothing, you're gone..
But wait!
In the depths of the darkness somewhere far out there i see a tiny glimpse of light
You're back..!
My heart starts to beat faster again and my lust for you grows stronger.
As i focus on the light, waiting to see your perfect smile and feel your presence once again, the light grows bigger and brighter.
I reach out and open my eyes and i see the familiar sight of my bedroom wall, I see the blue color of my pillow, I see my brown wooden desk, i see my bed.
And even though for a tenth of a second i believe you are right there with me, reality hits me like an icy wind slaps my face on a cold autumn night.
Fuck...I'm awake.
- and yes i wrote it
ooooooooooh
Why am i stuck in this hell hole while my dear missed friends get to live their lives and have fun and enjoy eachothers company whenever they want to. If they only knew how lucky they were to have eachother.
I got to taste their sweet life, and then i was casted away..and like a junkie longing for a fix, so do i feel..longing for their company.
oh how i miss you guys..if you only realize how lucky you guys are to have each other.
i dont deserve this
I got to taste their sweet life, and then i was casted away..and like a junkie longing for a fix, so do i feel..longing for their company.
oh how i miss you guys..if you only realize how lucky you guys are to have each other.
i dont deserve this
Melancholy day
They say your smiles melts the room..
Your enchanting laugh puts a smile on peoples faces...
Your conversational skills engadges people with interest...
Your coy personality is enchanting...
Girl you're to pretty to be this down
Your enchanting laugh puts a smile on peoples faces...
Your conversational skills engadges people with interest...
Your coy personality is enchanting...
Girl you're to pretty to be this down
hole
There is an empty hole in my heart, i feel it...it hurts when im by myself.
when will it mend?
when will it mend?
A slow and painfull process
I forgot how much it hurts trying to extract someone from your heart.
Once you let a person far in, and you are forced to take them out again, it takes alot of time and effort.
Im fine during the day, but once night time strikes i feel it.
It hurts...it feels unnatural. But i dont have a choice really.
Once im done with this process, however long it might take.
The walls are coming back up
Remind me to get tripple locks on this time.
Once you let a person far in, and you are forced to take them out again, it takes alot of time and effort.
Im fine during the day, but once night time strikes i feel it.
It hurts...it feels unnatural. But i dont have a choice really.
Once im done with this process, however long it might take.
The walls are coming back up
Remind me to get tripple locks on this time.
seriously wtf?
Where the hell does this anxiety i feel creaping up coming from?! i just dont get it! i know my life isnt how i wanted to be, but i used to always be able to adapt quickly. I know times dont stay the same for a long time, so i know things will change...but why do i need to get anxiety for it? Somehow my life has schedual and rythm, but inside its just like this big blurry mess!
Im dealing with it, and i know im doing really good. But i feel that im doing something wrong, i shouldnt be having anxiety like this.
I still dont feel like myself yet..i realize it when im with people.
Still climbing up the ladder...just give me some time..
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! JUST LET ME BREAK OUT OF THIS SHELL!!!! NOW NOW NOW!!
You might have broken me
But i've been through enough to know
Each time my skin gets thicker
And I get the chance to grow
Im dealing with it, and i know im doing really good. But i feel that im doing something wrong, i shouldnt be having anxiety like this.
I still dont feel like myself yet..i realize it when im with people.
Still climbing up the ladder...just give me some time..
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! JUST LET ME BREAK OUT OF THIS SHELL!!!! NOW NOW NOW!!
You might have broken me
But i've been through enough to know
Each time my skin gets thicker
And I get the chance to grow
im such a fool
I dont understand why i never learn?....im so quick to diving into things that look like fun..but i never think about the consequences...NEVER...there is never any consequences in my mind...untill it hits me...and im fucked..again.
i did it again..i let someone in..lived my little fantasy life in my head..and now im the one hurt...stupid girl
i was a dreamer...and now im let down.
back to being a cold hearted bitch...woho!
i did it again..i let someone in..lived my little fantasy life in my head..and now im the one hurt...stupid girl
i was a dreamer...and now im let down.
back to being a cold hearted bitch...woho!
Lonley
I'm not obsessed over you, I convince myself im fine on my own. I dont need anyone....but your absence somehow leaves a space in my heart, ...and eventhough I have people around me all the time...I cant help to feel lonley.
I guess you mean more to me than i thought. To bad i cant do anything about it.
Somehow you make me feel at home, more than anywhere else i've been...like i belong.
....and now im out wandering around in the dark again.
I guess you mean more to me than i thought. To bad i cant do anything about it.
Somehow you make me feel at home, more than anywhere else i've been...like i belong.
....and now im out wandering around in the dark again.