..S.a.r.i.n.a..

It was so nice to go to my parents house, all my anxiety just went away, and it just felt really nice having people around me. i kinda didnt want to go home.  because as soon as i got home anxiety struck me again like a punch in the face. I dont feel good when im home, i started crying last night. and it feels like im always on the verge of crying when im here. 
The wierd part is that it used to be the other way around, when i was at my parents house, i just wanted to go back to my apartment. but now, i dont want to go back anymore, because i know im going to feel really bad, and the only thing im going to do is reach out for food, and just try to fill that hole with food. but i know it doesnt work.

i asked my dad if he could buy me a swimming card, and he agreed he would. So atleast now i will have an escape, even if i have to walk all the way there, i dont care, i just dont want to be at home anymore.

 I dont feel like myself, i feel like ive totally lost myself in all of this. im just drowning in a pool of anxiety, i wish i could take a pill for this, to make it go away, i probebly could. but that would mean admitting to my parents that im not well, and that im not the strong sarina that can handle anything that they think i am. i feel like i have to live up to the way people see me.

Im scared this is worse than what i make it sound like. Im really not well!, i cant stop crying...and i dont even know what its about.  I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!...but i cant be weak infront of anyone, i just cant!   im so good at acting like everything is fine when im with people. but ones im alone again..i just break down.


i dont know what to do.....i feel so helpless...