..S.a.r.i.n.a..

I find myself not giving in completly into anything, nothing really matters to me, or should i say i dont let anything matter to me. I can give in to a moment, an emotion, a situation, I can swim in it, drown myself in it, but i always have one hand on the railing to be able to pull myself up from it as soon as i feel its not going anywhere anymore.

This confuses me, because im ment to believe i dont want anything to really get serious, but a part of me still finds it fascinating and worth indulging in, but if i notice one single side step..im more than willing to pull myself up.

Obviously this is a defence machanism i have created somewhere along the road.

Another thing I've picked up is; Whenever something might cause me to, for a slight moment feel either anger, dissapointment, jelousy, sadness, worryness. all these negative things. For some reason i dont want to be percieved as anything negative, so i just swallow it..and i feel it slowly desolving.  I have all this positive energy and optimism, and i greet it with pleasure, welcome it on a big red carpet into my heart and mind...but the negativity, i decapitate before it has the chance to give me its reasons.

Im worried it will someday come back to haunt me. That i will loose the ability and then not know how to handle it...I dont want to go back to my old ways of handeling things.


Fact: I have a simple, care free mind. I like it that way, i dont want it to change.