..S.a.r.i.n.a..

My dad made me cry tonight. I know he is both mentally and physically sick, but me and my dad has always been so close and always had a great relationship no matter what happens.  But tonight, he acted a way towards me that i have never ever seen before. Even writing this now brings me to tears. No one in the house ever dears to ask him for anything because we dont want to put any pressure or stress on him, yet he is the one with all the power in the house. So we naturally go to mom when we want something or say something, and she goes to him. And ofcorse he doesnt realise why we dont go to him anymore. Im genuenly scared of him. I never liked asking my parents for anything, but my dad always made me feel safe to ask him if there was ever anything i needed. But this time, knowing he is sick i just didnt have the curage, so my mom asked for me, and told him to go talk to me, and he came in, with an attitude ive never seen from him before, and started saying all these things. I just started crying, i couldnt hold it in. He had never spoken to me like this before..i just told him to go out and i didnt ever want anything from him anymore.
I dont think he realised what he was doing, poor guy is sick after all. But i think afterwards after he saw that he made his little girl cry, maybe he understood.

I talked to my mom a long time after that, I really look up to her. She is such a strong person having to deal with all his mentall shit. She was always close to my brother and i was closes to my dad, but now, i think im getting more close to her. She wants the world for me, and would do anything for me.   I know my dad would do the same, but just the way he acts and speaks. i really cant communicate with him anymore. Im not sure how to handle it.

Again..as i predicted, my mental health in this house is starting to deteriorate.
Im just holding on. My job, My friends. My swiming. Its what im holind on to, untill i can go away again.