..S.a.r.i.n.a..

Have you yet to grasp the fact that you wont live forever...?

that at one point you and all your being will be gone from this earth? you will simply not excist anymore.

That makes me realise how short our time here really is. and how whatever you are going through right now, however your life situation looks like right now, will be no more than a memory in your mind.

Everything that seems so morbidly important right now, wont matter in a few years.

So if you want to make the most of it.  See life and all it has to offer both good and bad, in bright radiant colors. Make everything count! and dont skimp on the emotions!  Because you know you dont want to go through a part of your life like a emotionally dead zombie!  when you can make everything seem so much bigger! and exciting, and terrifying, and horrible, and amazing, and just everything!  You learn so much more when you go through radical extremes!  then when you just drift along life as a apathetic bystander.

Dont be scared

When your old and gray and your time is almost up,  you want to take your last breath with a smile on your face, knowing you didnt let it all go to waste, you made the most of it, and got to experience so many different things.



If I died right now, i would have a smile on my face,....would you?

Im so lost, how am i supose to do this?  how will i achieve living the way i want to?

when your brought up in a certan class in society..the upper middle class, parents with Phd.'s in psycology..always living in big houses, always having money to travel and do whatever.  Some people want to keep in that class. getting higher educations, so they can earn money and keep on living the way they always do.   But, just as less fortunate people strive for higher educations to break away from the way of life they were brought up in, so do i feel i want to do. I dont feel the need to live in this higher society and make lots of money.  I just want to live somewhere were i will be happy and have a job that will pay my bills, and just enjoy the life experiences life throws at me.

If i could choose, i would love to live along the beach at a remote place, maybe..new zeeland..or hawaii. or even along the coast of california, and just have a job where i get to meet people, and get to experience life.  (not sit in an office all day)
That is truly what my heart desires.

At the same time, I feel guilty. I was granted oppertunities in life, that alot of people dont have. I have the chance and possibility to get a higher education and get a good paying job and get a good place in society. But i dont want it.

But my parents work so hard to grant us all these oppertunities, and i just dont want it. ( i've been that way since i was a kid, i never wanted anything from them)

So what if i did decide to live the way i want to. I would have no idea where to start, or how to achieve it. It seems as picking the higher education and the way of life that i actually dont want is so much more easier that doing what i actually want.

I just dont know what to do. im so torn.