..S.a.r.i.n.a..

My dad made me cry tonight. I know he is both mentally and physically sick, but me and my dad has always been so close and always had a great relationship no matter what happens.  But tonight, he acted a way towards me that i have never ever seen before. Even writing this now brings me to tears. No one in the house ever dears to ask him for anything because we dont want to put any pressure or stress on him, yet he is the one with all the power in the house. So we naturally go to mom when we want something or say something, and she goes to him. And ofcorse he doesnt realise why we dont go to him anymore. Im genuenly scared of him. I never liked asking my parents for anything, but my dad always made me feel safe to ask him if there was ever anything i needed. But this time, knowing he is sick i just didnt have the curage, so my mom asked for me, and told him to go talk to me, and he came in, with an attitude ive never seen from him before, and started saying all these things. I just started crying, i couldnt hold it in. He had never spoken to me like this before..i just told him to go out and i didnt ever want anything from him anymore.
I dont think he realised what he was doing, poor guy is sick after all. But i think afterwards after he saw that he made his little girl cry, maybe he understood.

I talked to my mom a long time after that, I really look up to her. She is such a strong person having to deal with all his mentall shit. She was always close to my brother and i was closes to my dad, but now, i think im getting more close to her. She wants the world for me, and would do anything for me.   I know my dad would do the same, but just the way he acts and speaks. i really cant communicate with him anymore. Im not sure how to handle it.

Again..as i predicted, my mental health in this house is starting to deteriorate.
Im just holding on. My job, My friends. My swiming. Its what im holind on to, untill i can go away again.

I truly Love each and every person that befriends me, that conciously makes a descision that they like having me in their lives. That they like my company, and give as much to me as i give to them. Everyone grows up and becomes adults, but we always have our inner child in us, and i am very much still conected with that inner child. And sometimes i see my life from her point of view, and it gives me a different perspective about life. Makes me happy, or excited about the different aspects of my life.

The last two days ive been at a lecture about finding your inner strength and and figuring out the root to your problems and having the right attitude about differnt things.

I started thinking about my comitement issues, the fact that i only comit to something and give in full heartedly if i know it has an expiration date. Thats why its so easy for me to fall into summer romances. But i think i have an idea why i cant settle anywhere, why i constantly have to be on a move. I think my comitement issues lay in some sort of abandonment issue, that i subconciously have had my whole life since i was a baby. The people who know me, know why i would have abandonment issues, I wont go into it.  But i think thats why I'm the one that always leaves first.

But i think my life has made me stronger, When i face abandoment, it makes me stronger, thickens my skin. i come out of it a much stronger person. I dont ever let it get me down.

Its important to be able to be insightfull about your life and yourself.  If you truly know who you are, its easy. I accept the fact that i constantly change, and everyone around me aswell. But atleast i know who my soul is.

You think you know someone...but apparently you dont. People constantly suprise you. They show sides of them selfs you never expected. You think you have them figured out, but then they turn around and do something you wouldnt expect.

Its anoing the shit out of me. I didnt know i would care so much about it. But i cant deny what i feel. FUCK


get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it.   

fuck it...

My dads driving has gotten sloppy and reckless, and i fear that his driving will be the sudden death of me one day. Therefor I have decided to always be the driver everytime i am in the car.

I feel alone in Sweden, I mean i have a few friends, and those friends are the most amazing friends ever. But..going from a group of awesome people that always hang out, to having amazing friends that either live in a city 2 hours away, or are busy with school/work. Its not the same. I dont feel i have found where i belong here yet. Then again i never did feel like i belong in Sweden. But the soul has to go through some tough times for it to realise when it is going through amazing times. and my year in holland has truly been amazing.  All the karma i have built up, and all the bad times ive had, has really payed off in holland. Everything just happened so perfectly it was like a movie.
So now im back here, gathering some more good karma so i can go away again!