what..?
Tomorrow ive been alive for 20 years......where the hell did the time go?
Am I A HeartBreaker
What defines a hearbreaker? Is it someone that sets out from the beginning to break someones heart, or is it someone that does what feels right for her, but ends up breaking hearts also.
I am the second one. Its not like i decide from the begining that im going to break someones heart, but somehow in every relationship ive been in ( 2 ) I end up doing it. The problem is, i get cought up in things really easily, and i make hasty decisions. But ones the dust settles, i realise my situation and i realise the decitions ive made arent what i want anymore.
So, i broke chris' heart, and now im going to have to break Stevens heart.
wtf stop falling in love with me!! i'll just end up breaking your heart!
seriously i dont think i can have a relationship, I dont even want one. I dont want anything to do with guys, and love and blah, i just want to suround myself with friends that i have fun with and that make me happy, and that will be there for me. even if some of my friends are actually guys.
so YES im a heartbreaker! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT!! *ghetto attitude* hahaha
but i really dont mean to. When i fall for someone, its true, true feelings, but maybe i fall alittle to fast that my brain can keep up with. and ones my brain has cought up, it makes me realise it might not be the right thing for me at this moment.
look what i got in the mail from steven, its a birthdaygift. together with a card he made, and like a book of letters
WTF! how am i supose to break his heart?! the guy sent me a gift from jail for god sake!! UUGH THIS IS SO HARD!
but you have think about it rationally, he is in a position where he has nothing else going for him right now, but the thought of me loving him and being there for him when he gets out. I doubt he would want to keep on doing this if he just lived a normal life, like I do. so in reality his feelings for me are kind of forced onto him because of the situation he is in now.
thats it for me. i still dont know how im going to break the new to him.
BLAAAH FROM SARINA; "The heartBreaker"
I am the second one. Its not like i decide from the begining that im going to break someones heart, but somehow in every relationship ive been in ( 2 ) I end up doing it. The problem is, i get cought up in things really easily, and i make hasty decisions. But ones the dust settles, i realise my situation and i realise the decitions ive made arent what i want anymore.
So, i broke chris' heart, and now im going to have to break Stevens heart.
wtf stop falling in love with me!! i'll just end up breaking your heart!
seriously i dont think i can have a relationship, I dont even want one. I dont want anything to do with guys, and love and blah, i just want to suround myself with friends that i have fun with and that make me happy, and that will be there for me. even if some of my friends are actually guys.
so YES im a heartbreaker! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT!! *ghetto attitude* hahaha
but i really dont mean to. When i fall for someone, its true, true feelings, but maybe i fall alittle to fast that my brain can keep up with. and ones my brain has cought up, it makes me realise it might not be the right thing for me at this moment.
look what i got in the mail from steven, its a birthdaygift. together with a card he made, and like a book of letters
but you have think about it rationally, he is in a position where he has nothing else going for him right now, but the thought of me loving him and being there for him when he gets out. I doubt he would want to keep on doing this if he just lived a normal life, like I do. so in reality his feelings for me are kind of forced onto him because of the situation he is in now.
thats it for me. i still dont know how im going to break the new to him.
BLAAAH FROM SARINA; "The heartBreaker"
Inner monolog with my wise side
-Sometimes you have to trust that, whatever's supose to happen, will happen. And somehow you always end up where you belong.
- But what if what's supose to happen isnt what i want to happen?
- You have to remember that wants are only temporarily. What you want changes all the time, therefor you have to trust that everything happens for a reason. Life isnt out to make you missrable, its there to help you find happiness.
-Hmm...well, we'll see about that.
Next blogg: Am I A Heartbreaker?
- But what if what's supose to happen isnt what i want to happen?
- You have to remember that wants are only temporarily. What you want changes all the time, therefor you have to trust that everything happens for a reason. Life isnt out to make you missrable, its there to help you find happiness.
-Hmm...well, we'll see about that.
Next blogg: Am I A Heartbreaker?
Acceptence
Its amazig how low you can feel, But im making progress, Today ive accepted my situation. Ive accepted what my life is, and who i am. And im not trying to be anything else, or live in Lala-land like i used to. I always lived with my head in the clouds, but ive always been let down, or in denial. Now im just going to accept whatever happens, and just go along with it. There is nothing i can do about the situations im in.
It gives me some kind of feeling of contentment.
Im doing fine when im around people, but when im alone, sometimes, for maybe a couple of minutes, thoughts catch up to me and i break down. But i guess what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, so as long as i can pick myself up again, I'll be fine.
on another note, its amazing what blogs have done. Most blogs are about what you have been up to and stuff, But i find my blogg is really like my diary, where i tell people my feelings, maybe not everything but most of it. You would think it would make you vulnerable, but I find some kind of comfort of knowing that you girls know what im going through and how im feeling, and I dont think you understand how much it means to me that you girls take the time to comment, and try to chear me up, or bleed with me.
<3 Love, Sarina
An old favorite, brings back memories. But at the same time kind of calming.
It gives me some kind of feeling of contentment.
Im doing fine when im around people, but when im alone, sometimes, for maybe a couple of minutes, thoughts catch up to me and i break down. But i guess what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, so as long as i can pick myself up again, I'll be fine.
on another note, its amazing what blogs have done. Most blogs are about what you have been up to and stuff, But i find my blogg is really like my diary, where i tell people my feelings, maybe not everything but most of it. You would think it would make you vulnerable, but I find some kind of comfort of knowing that you girls know what im going through and how im feeling, and I dont think you understand how much it means to me that you girls take the time to comment, and try to chear me up, or bleed with me.
<3 Love, Sarina
An old favorite, brings back memories. But at the same time kind of calming.
Cought in yesterday
Im so sick of having to go through hard things all the time, Its like ones something is dealth with, something new gets shoved in my face. And im just so sick and tired of it. There is so much i go through, and you dont know half of it. because i dont feel comfertable sharing my problems with people. I think im so strong, that i can get through anything, But the process is just so fucking hard. and im so sick of it. Its like, i had the time of my life this summer, and now i have to pay for it. Eversince i got back, its just been one shitty situation after another. And im so sick and tired of it. I just want to be at a place in my life where im content, where im not going through something that makes me cry, and that i can just be okey with my life, and apprichiate what I have. But thats not how it is right now, so i cant do anything, but to not open my self into those situations.
my heart is offically closed.
So you girls should probebly know that im over Steven, what we had was an incredible summer, and it was foolish of us trying to make it into something more. Its easy to get cought up in all the hype, but now that i havnt talked to him in a long time, ive come to my sences, and realised that what we are trying to do is just to hard, and i cant go through with it.
ive always told my self i wouldnt have long distance relationships for a reason.
Its going to be hard telling him, but i have to do whats right for me.
Dont get me wrong, im not upset about Steven, im over it. Its the other things im upset about.
I normally dont listen to swedish rap, but the coures ( the girl part) in this song, makes me feel a little better. again, its NOT about steven.
http://web.newsguy.com/JanneKnuda/aldrig.mp3
Så svårt att kontrolera sina kännslor
kärleken den kompliserade sig,
och tro mig han försöker att glömma dig,
för eran kärlek blev en omöjlig grej
Men du kommer aldrig lämna han i drömmarna
Han försöker men du finns alltid där,
För hoppet är det sissta som lämnar han
så han kommer aldrig glömma dig.
my heart is offically closed.
So you girls should probebly know that im over Steven, what we had was an incredible summer, and it was foolish of us trying to make it into something more. Its easy to get cought up in all the hype, but now that i havnt talked to him in a long time, ive come to my sences, and realised that what we are trying to do is just to hard, and i cant go through with it.
ive always told my self i wouldnt have long distance relationships for a reason.
Its going to be hard telling him, but i have to do whats right for me.
Dont get me wrong, im not upset about Steven, im over it. Its the other things im upset about.
I normally dont listen to swedish rap, but the coures ( the girl part) in this song, makes me feel a little better. again, its NOT about steven.
http://web.newsguy.com/JanneKnuda/aldrig.mp3
Så svårt att kontrolera sina kännslor
kärleken den kompliserade sig,
och tro mig han försöker att glömma dig,
för eran kärlek blev en omöjlig grej
Men du kommer aldrig lämna han i drömmarna
Han försöker men du finns alltid där,
För hoppet är det sissta som lämnar han
så han kommer aldrig glömma dig.
Getting Out Of It!
Thats IT! im getting out of this rutt!. i dont want to be in it anymore! and starting tomorrow im going to get out of my apartment and be productive!!
here we go!
here we go!
...
Latley ive had no motivation what so ever, ive been feeling sick too,but im getting better now.
its hard to get your ass to school when you feel like you have nothing to go there for. atleast in highschool you had your friends that motiveated you to get up everymorning to go to school. now, since we dont really have a real class...its hard to make friends.
i need some new motivation!.
re-exam on saturday, study tomorrow with nema <3, i really need it!
im loosing it.
I miss raving <3
its hard to get your ass to school when you feel like you have nothing to go there for. atleast in highschool you had your friends that motiveated you to get up everymorning to go to school. now, since we dont really have a real class...its hard to make friends.
i need some new motivation!.
re-exam on saturday, study tomorrow with nema <3, i really need it!
im loosing it.
I miss raving <3
Day one.
Today started with a wakeup call from nema <3, we talked and it was really nice, you always make me in a good mood! =D then, as i was going to make something to eat, i looked at my dirty apartment and told my self. "Sarina, your not allowed to eat anything untill you clean your apartment!". haha its like im my own mother. But when you're on your own, thats what you have to do.
After i cleaned my apartment, i made breakfast, and watched the new episodes of Simpsons, Family guy, and American dad. after that, i watched some TV, and then i watched a movie. In the middle of the movie my dad called.
He picked me up and we went to eyrabadet to buy me a swimming card. My dad said it was a good idea that i swam instead of going to a gym. He said: "swimming is alot better than working out at a gym. swimming brings harmony and peace of mind, and its really good for the bodys nervcells. ( he's a neuropsycologist, so he knows his shit). Working out on those machines is like you're doing a horses job!." and then when we got to eyrabadet and we walked passed the windows where you can see everyone work out on the machines, my dad went: "look at those people, they all look like horses!"
hahhaa i thought that was funny.
So i swam for an hour, which was really nice! sat in the jacuzzee, and then the sauna. aahh so nice. Then i walked all the way home, i think its like 3 km.
Well so far so good, i havnt had a real anxiety attack, but even right now as im writing this, i can still feel it in my body, slowly creaping up on me. i can still feel it being hard to breath, like i have a stone in my chest, and yes im still kind of restelss, but i do think making my body tired, by swimming and walking is helping to keep it down,and not blow up into a full blown panic attack.
lets hope this works...
I just want to take this time and thank my friends for really being there for me. specially nema and ayaan, i would feel so alone if it wasnt for you girls. You girls are truly friends for life and i know we will always be there for eachother!
thank you Dan for being concerned about me, and sending me that sms :)
TODAYS LAUGH:
Jigsaw's Hilarious Halloween Surprise - Watch more Free Videos
HAHA ULTIMATE FAIL!
After i cleaned my apartment, i made breakfast, and watched the new episodes of Simpsons, Family guy, and American dad. after that, i watched some TV, and then i watched a movie. In the middle of the movie my dad called.
He picked me up and we went to eyrabadet to buy me a swimming card. My dad said it was a good idea that i swam instead of going to a gym. He said: "swimming is alot better than working out at a gym. swimming brings harmony and peace of mind, and its really good for the bodys nervcells. ( he's a neuropsycologist, so he knows his shit). Working out on those machines is like you're doing a horses job!." and then when we got to eyrabadet and we walked passed the windows where you can see everyone work out on the machines, my dad went: "look at those people, they all look like horses!"
hahhaa i thought that was funny.
So i swam for an hour, which was really nice! sat in the jacuzzee, and then the sauna. aahh so nice. Then i walked all the way home, i think its like 3 km.
Well so far so good, i havnt had a real anxiety attack, but even right now as im writing this, i can still feel it in my body, slowly creaping up on me. i can still feel it being hard to breath, like i have a stone in my chest, and yes im still kind of restelss, but i do think making my body tired, by swimming and walking is helping to keep it down,and not blow up into a full blown panic attack.
lets hope this works...
I just want to take this time and thank my friends for really being there for me. specially nema and ayaan, i would feel so alone if it wasnt for you girls. You girls are truly friends for life and i know we will always be there for eachother!
thank you Dan for being concerned about me, and sending me that sms :)
TODAYS LAUGH:
Jigsaw's Hilarious Halloween Surprise - Watch more Free Videos
HAHA ULTIMATE FAIL!
Thank God For Dinner at My Parents House
It was so nice to go to my parents house, all my anxiety just went away, and it just felt really nice having people around me. i kinda didnt want to go home. because as soon as i got home anxiety struck me again like a punch in the face. I dont feel good when im home, i started crying last night. and it feels like im always on the verge of crying when im here.
The wierd part is that it used to be the other way around, when i was at my parents house, i just wanted to go back to my apartment. but now, i dont want to go back anymore, because i know im going to feel really bad, and the only thing im going to do is reach out for food, and just try to fill that hole with food. but i know it doesnt work.
i asked my dad if he could buy me a swimming card, and he agreed he would. So atleast now i will have an escape, even if i have to walk all the way there, i dont care, i just dont want to be at home anymore.
I dont feel like myself, i feel like ive totally lost myself in all of this. im just drowning in a pool of anxiety, i wish i could take a pill for this, to make it go away, i probebly could. but that would mean admitting to my parents that im not well, and that im not the strong sarina that can handle anything that they think i am. i feel like i have to live up to the way people see me.
Im scared this is worse than what i make it sound like. Im really not well!, i cant stop crying...and i dont even know what its about. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!...but i cant be weak infront of anyone, i just cant! im so good at acting like everything is fine when im with people. but ones im alone again..i just break down.
i dont know what to do.....i feel so helpless...
The wierd part is that it used to be the other way around, when i was at my parents house, i just wanted to go back to my apartment. but now, i dont want to go back anymore, because i know im going to feel really bad, and the only thing im going to do is reach out for food, and just try to fill that hole with food. but i know it doesnt work.
i asked my dad if he could buy me a swimming card, and he agreed he would. So atleast now i will have an escape, even if i have to walk all the way there, i dont care, i just dont want to be at home anymore.
I dont feel like myself, i feel like ive totally lost myself in all of this. im just drowning in a pool of anxiety, i wish i could take a pill for this, to make it go away, i probebly could. but that would mean admitting to my parents that im not well, and that im not the strong sarina that can handle anything that they think i am. i feel like i have to live up to the way people see me.
Im scared this is worse than what i make it sound like. Im really not well!, i cant stop crying...and i dont even know what its about. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!...but i cant be weak infront of anyone, i just cant! im so good at acting like everything is fine when im with people. but ones im alone again..i just break down.
Damn i have an ugly crying face, it almost makes me laugh!
Im going insane!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think im going insane!! i dont know what to do anymore! and i dont even know what the problem is!!. when im out or with people, its fine i forget about everything..but i dont go out that often, i mostly sit at home...and thats when everything is just shit! i just feel so restless, and fillied with anxiety! and somehow i just cant stop eating! thats all i do, and i never feel full!. its like i have this whole, that im trying to fill..but nothing works!
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?! i dont even know whats wrong with me!. all i know is that im going insane to the point where im almost crying!. GAAAAAAHHH i need something in my life, i just dont know what it is!
WHAT TO DO?! WHAT TO DO?! IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRAITED!! i just want to crawl into a hole and die!
Im a trapped butterfly who has lost herself, im dying inside...Please help me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually like this song. ( its the girl from heroes, if anyone watches that). the song is catchy, but it took me a couple of watches to before i started liking it. would have been better if it came out in the summer though.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?! i dont even know whats wrong with me!. all i know is that im going insane to the point where im almost crying!. GAAAAAAHHH i need something in my life, i just dont know what it is!
WHAT TO DO?! WHAT TO DO?! IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRAITED!! i just want to crawl into a hole and die!