..S.a.r.i.n.a..

After all this traveling back and forth to two different lifes, two different worlds...Somewhere along the way in an airplane or a train ive seem to lost a part of myself.  Im not sure what it is..but i dont fully feel like myself, not in sweden nor in Holland.  Although in Holland i am more happier than i am in Sweden. 
But i've changed, and i dont like it.
I no longer feel like that free spirited hippie girl that i once was.
Is this growing up?...i dont want it.
I still have my principals and my way of living. But somehow ive lost my spirit.
I dont know what will take to get it back, but i know something is changing inside me..and maybe im just scared of change, because i truly loved the spirit i had...and i need to somehow find it again.

My dad made me cry tonight. I know he is both mentally and physically sick, but me and my dad has always been so close and always had a great relationship no matter what happens.  But tonight, he acted a way towards me that i have never ever seen before. Even writing this now brings me to tears. No one in the house ever dears to ask him for anything because we dont want to put any pressure or stress on him, yet he is the one with all the power in the house. So we naturally go to mom when we want something or say something, and she goes to him. And ofcorse he doesnt realise why we dont go to him anymore. Im genuenly scared of him. I never liked asking my parents for anything, but my dad always made me feel safe to ask him if there was ever anything i needed. But this time, knowing he is sick i just didnt have the curage, so my mom asked for me, and told him to go talk to me, and he came in, with an attitude ive never seen from him before, and started saying all these things. I just started crying, i couldnt hold it in. He had never spoken to me like this before..i just told him to go out and i didnt ever want anything from him anymore.
I dont think he realised what he was doing, poor guy is sick after all. But i think afterwards after he saw that he made his little girl cry, maybe he understood.

I talked to my mom a long time after that, I really look up to her. She is such a strong person having to deal with all his mentall shit. She was always close to my brother and i was closes to my dad, but now, i think im getting more close to her. She wants the world for me, and would do anything for me.   I know my dad would do the same, but just the way he acts and speaks. i really cant communicate with him anymore. Im not sure how to handle it.

Again..as i predicted, my mental health in this house is starting to deteriorate.
Im just holding on. My job, My friends. My swiming. Its what im holind on to, untill i can go away again.

I truly Love each and every person that befriends me, that conciously makes a descision that they like having me in their lives. That they like my company, and give as much to me as i give to them. Everyone grows up and becomes adults, but we always have our inner child in us, and i am very much still conected with that inner child. And sometimes i see my life from her point of view, and it gives me a different perspective about life. Makes me happy, or excited about the different aspects of my life.

The last two days ive been at a lecture about finding your inner strength and and figuring out the root to your problems and having the right attitude about differnt things.

I started thinking about my comitement issues, the fact that i only comit to something and give in full heartedly if i know it has an expiration date. Thats why its so easy for me to fall into summer romances. But i think i have an idea why i cant settle anywhere, why i constantly have to be on a move. I think my comitement issues lay in some sort of abandonment issue, that i subconciously have had my whole life since i was a baby. The people who know me, know why i would have abandonment issues, I wont go into it.  But i think thats why I'm the one that always leaves first.

But i think my life has made me stronger, When i face abandoment, it makes me stronger, thickens my skin. i come out of it a much stronger person. I dont ever let it get me down.

Its important to be able to be insightfull about your life and yourself.  If you truly know who you are, its easy. I accept the fact that i constantly change, and everyone around me aswell. But atleast i know who my soul is.

You think you know someone...but apparently you dont. People constantly suprise you. They show sides of them selfs you never expected. You think you have them figured out, but then they turn around and do something you wouldnt expect.

Its anoing the shit out of me. I didnt know i would care so much about it. But i cant deny what i feel. FUCK


get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it. get over it.   

fuck it...

My dads driving has gotten sloppy and reckless, and i fear that his driving will be the sudden death of me one day. Therefor I have decided to always be the driver everytime i am in the car.

I feel alone in Sweden, I mean i have a few friends, and those friends are the most amazing friends ever. But..going from a group of awesome people that always hang out, to having amazing friends that either live in a city 2 hours away, or are busy with school/work. Its not the same. I dont feel i have found where i belong here yet. Then again i never did feel like i belong in Sweden. But the soul has to go through some tough times for it to realise when it is going through amazing times. and my year in holland has truly been amazing.  All the karma i have built up, and all the bad times ive had, has really payed off in holland. Everything just happened so perfectly it was like a movie.
So now im back here, gathering some more good karma so i can go away again!

As my year here in holland is coming to an end, i realise everything i've been through here, all the people i've met and all the places i've called home. Have been a sweet glimps in what my life would have looked like had i been from here.

I could have ended up anywhere in the world. And i think that's why i have this constant urge of moving around, experiencing life in other countries with strangers who end up becoming your best friends. I want to know what my life could have been like.

After every long travel i make, i get a glimps of what my life could have been like. And after each journey i feel a sence of accomplishment, probably the only sence of accomplishment i have ever really strived for.

Its always hard ending one chapter. Remembering all the memeories you have made and dreaming of all the more adventures you could have had, if you stayed. But as i always remind myself; Ending one chapter always means i get to turn the page and start on a new one. And really, its when you dont know whats going to happen that you get excited about life.

What do i want?...

I want to live not under someone elses rules and watch,  i miss being free.

I got home later last night then i had agreed on with my boss because they had blocked off the roads and i got lost and had to guess my way back.  and ofcourse she got upset with me

" i dont like it when we agree on something, and you dont do it, it questions my rely on you"

i mean obviously i feel bad about it. but it wasnt my intention. sometimes unplanned things happen!

Even though she sais we're okey ( after i asked her),  i still have this nagging feeling in my gut. and it makes me realise how i just cant live under someone elses watch.  I dont like it at all.  and im waiting for the time where i just  live for myself again.

Taken last night before i went to my friends birthday party

Have you yet to grasp the fact that you wont live forever...?

that at one point you and all your being will be gone from this earth? you will simply not excist anymore.

That makes me realise how short our time here really is. and how whatever you are going through right now, however your life situation looks like right now, will be no more than a memory in your mind.

Everything that seems so morbidly important right now, wont matter in a few years.

So if you want to make the most of it.  See life and all it has to offer both good and bad, in bright radiant colors. Make everything count! and dont skimp on the emotions!  Because you know you dont want to go through a part of your life like a emotionally dead zombie!  when you can make everything seem so much bigger! and exciting, and terrifying, and horrible, and amazing, and just everything!  You learn so much more when you go through radical extremes!  then when you just drift along life as a apathetic bystander.

Dont be scared

When your old and gray and your time is almost up,  you want to take your last breath with a smile on your face, knowing you didnt let it all go to waste, you made the most of it, and got to experience so many different things.



If I died right now, i would have a smile on my face,....would you?

Im so lost, how am i supose to do this?  how will i achieve living the way i want to?

when your brought up in a certan class in society..the upper middle class, parents with Phd.'s in psycology..always living in big houses, always having money to travel and do whatever.  Some people want to keep in that class. getting higher educations, so they can earn money and keep on living the way they always do.   But, just as less fortunate people strive for higher educations to break away from the way of life they were brought up in, so do i feel i want to do. I dont feel the need to live in this higher society and make lots of money.  I just want to live somewhere were i will be happy and have a job that will pay my bills, and just enjoy the life experiences life throws at me.

If i could choose, i would love to live along the beach at a remote place, maybe..new zeeland..or hawaii. or even along the coast of california, and just have a job where i get to meet people, and get to experience life.  (not sit in an office all day)
That is truly what my heart desires.

At the same time, I feel guilty. I was granted oppertunities in life, that alot of people dont have. I have the chance and possibility to get a higher education and get a good paying job and get a good place in society. But i dont want it.

But my parents work so hard to grant us all these oppertunities, and i just dont want it. ( i've been that way since i was a kid, i never wanted anything from them)

So what if i did decide to live the way i want to. I would have no idea where to start, or how to achieve it. It seems as picking the higher education and the way of life that i actually dont want is so much more easier that doing what i actually want.

I just dont know what to do. im so torn.

Today i bought two t-shirts....from money i dont actually have....